You're 1/2 Irish? I'm 1/8th Doctor...

And just like that- it's over. I'm exhausted, elated, and super emotional. I'm also sitting in Denver International airport waiting 3 hours for a flight I may or may not get on, waiting to go home for the holidays. I can't wait to see friends and family and, most of all, not study. It was a rough semester, what with life happening and all, but I made it. We all made it. Some of our grades were already updated, and I'm happy to say I passed. I definitely did not get an 'A'- but my improvement throughout the semester has made me happy! I feel like I really fell into step with myself as a medstudent- whatever that means. I'm used to things now like sucking it up and sleeping 5 hours some nights, not waxing my eyebrows (ever), and telling Tim "I'm sorry, but we can't watch Xfiles again tonight..." (that was not an inuendo). I'm used to studying like a maniac and STILL not feeling prepared for exams. I'm still not used to California drivers, though- sorry.

I'm looking forward to this break like I couldn't have imagined, but I'm already not sure what to do with myself. What do med students do when there's no studying? I brought 2 books, crochet stuff, 2 movies, a gossip magazine (I'm totes out of the loop these days... Christina divorced? Miley doing drugs? Joe Jonas and a vamp? What's happening to hollywood??), AND there's free wireless... and yet here I am. Bored. Maybe it's because I'm alone, which has been the norm for the past few weeks leading up to exams, and I'm just tired of talking to myself. If we have plans together between now and the 1st, I apologize in advance for everything I didn't tell you about my life the past few months, and the fact that I probably won't stop talking the entire time we're hanging out. Consider yourself warned. I didn't have it in me to plan much for the next 2 weeks... but I'm going to shop, sleep, eat, and relax like hell!

Merry Christmas! And don't forget to buy me stuff for my birthday!
xoxo-B

A grateful heart...

Thanksgiving is a day when people try to think of what they are thankful for so I thought I might share some things from my life that I appreciate. I know- I'm late. But holiday season always makes me feel (extra) grateful, so I feel like I'm right on time with this, since I technically have another month of holiday! I'm excited to go back East and visit friends and family soon but, in the meantime, thinking of this list will be the push I need to get through the next 3 weeks.

Today I'm grateful for:
1. Perspective
2. Armadillos
3. Adventures
4. Breakfast
5. Hot tea
6. Multi color pens
7. Tim
8. My California license plates
9. Singing in the car. Extra loud.
10. New friends
11. The couch- it's that amazing.
12. Seeing some family over Thanksgiving weekend
13. Being in medical school
14. My health
15. Healthy grieving
16. Sleeping
17. Magic slippers
18. Humor
19. Love
20. A good book (or 7...)
21. Sunsets
22. New places
23. Dancing
24. Christmas music

I try to write one of these whenever a fresh first world problem disrupts my serenity... it's comforting to see how things have changed and know that more growth is possible.
Happy Thanksgiving! <3

Settled?

Holy crap, I survived!!

Might seem a bit melodramatic to you, but jeez louise have I been pushed these past few weeks. I was feeling all sorts of crazy and it was hard to put my finger on the one thing that was making me feel that way. Well... maybe not SO hard. I made a decision recently (with the help of my wonderful man candy) to not pursue something that may or may not have gone very badly... or not... if I seem vague, it's on purpose. Basically there's a crazy bitch doing crazy things and I'd rather not get into it online (though if you've been within a 10 foot radius of me lately you've probably heard some amazing stories).

What I realized (again- thanks man candy) is that my emotional well being is worth WAY MORE than anything that could have come from the situation had I taken it any further. I've already got a full plate with school and processing recent losses, not to mention the constant stimulation of being in a new place. I love my life, and I (finally) love myself- and usually I don't let other people hold power over those things. I'm not sure how I let this situation go on for so long, but it's over now.

Also, I got a B on my most recent test! Yay me! It's nice to finally feel like the hard work is paying off. I think I'm settling in here and (with the help of our fabulous new couch) it's starting to feel like home... even if it still doesn't feel like November.

Seriously, it's sunny and 65 every day- it's amazing! <3

Agnes...

I flew back to New England this weekend to see my grandmother. She's 84 years old and 4 feet 8 (and a half) inches tall. She's quiet, strong, and loves the beach. When I was 4 I told a stranger to "shut up" and she told me not to be "fresh" - whatever that means. I've never seen her sick, and my suspisions of her amazing immune system have been confirmed- up until now, she had only been to the hospital 6 times- all of which were to deliver 6 out of 7 of her babies (the first being born at home). My grandmother has cancer. Of course she does. What else would cause her to need a doctor? Through the emergency department, no less.

It's hard extracting reliable information from family members about what's going on inside her body. I wanted to pretend that I would understand, being a first year in medical school I practically could  have diagnosed her myself (... does sarcasm translate well in blogs?). Part of me wanted to know where it was, how far it had progessed, what was going to happen, and how long things would go on. I wanted to be able to say I knew what was happening and how it would turn out. I wanted to help her and my family. As soon as I got there and saw my tiny (no offense, Grandmother) helpless gram in an ugly hospital jonny with those awful socks they make you wear, I was overwhelmed with gratitude. I'm grateful to the people who helped me fly home. I'm grateful that the storm held off long enough to let my flight land. I'm grateful I realized that time is precious and family is love long before this weekend. I didn't care about the disease anymore.

Just before I left, Grandmother said to me "The ones who have to work the hardest make it the farthest. Just like you. Go and learn and be a doctor. I'm so proud of you." I don't  know that she's ever said more to me my whole life- Irish Catholics have a way of keeping their thoughts to themselves (too bad I wasn't born with that gene, huh?).

My grandmother is going to die- I know that. I'm sad that I probably won't be able to get back home until Christmas, but in the meantime I'm happy to know that being here is exactly where she wants me to be right now.


I'm on the plane back to Cali now. After a much needed fall break, class starts again on Monday. I need more time. I need to be at home. I need to cry and be angry with god. But I can't. I need to be a medical student.

In the hospital she asked "Are you going to be able to do this? Are you going to be able to have patients that are in pain all the time?" Probably not, Grandmother, but I'll have to figure something out.

3 Day Weekend Extravaganza!

Holy crap, you guys, where did I go?

We just finished our first block of medical school- yay!! AND I have the next 3 days to do whatever the heck I want! No studying, most importantly- I think I'll explore :)

More on that later... for now there's too much fun to be had.

I failed...

Well... not technically, but it was close. We've continually been told to be prepared to fail here, but I just kept brushing it off. Of course I would do well- I got here didn't I? Turns out it's not that simple. I learned that I'm in for a world of trouble if I don't change my study habits. Or form some study habits. Or just study, actually, that would be a good place to start. I'm not upset about getting a bad grade... I'm upset by the fact that I knew I could do better and just didn't bother to try at the end. I gave up.

I hate to quote something like the band Taking Back Sunday, but I keep thinking of these lyrics- "So so so sick of being tired, and oh so tired of being sick" in their very upbeat sing-song style. No matter how run down I feel, I get up in the morning and go. Those of you who know me (and those of you who have just met me and have quickly figured this out...) will know that I LOVE sleeping. I'm usually quite good at it. Lately, however, I've been surviving on a mere 6 hours a night (gasp!) and it's killing me. I've turned into Super Bitch, and that doesn't sit very well with me (or my classmates). That said, I still can't find enough time in the day to get all the studying done.

Someone used an analogy of juggling during orientation... (I think... that was light-years ago...) We were told that our careers, hobbies, education, etc were balls made of rubber, but things like family and health were made of glass. I don't like this analogy because it's too... well... I'm not really sure. I just know that the image of my friends and health smashing into millions of pieces kind of freaks me out. I keep thinking of the fight scene in Eclipse. Yes, that Twilight movie. Don't hate, I loved it and I'm not ashamed!

So, what did I learn by taking and (almost) failing this test?
1. The real reason why high fructose corn syrup is bad for you (despite what the creepy corn association ads are saying these days)

2. I love sleep, but I don't need it... much

3. I can do better

4. Second breakfast makes me happy

(That last one I figured out weeks ago, but it still makes me happy so I thought I'd throw it in here!)

Med School is Hard!

The short of it is that we have our first test on Monday, and the buzz is almost palpable (will we learn that one in OMT?). People are nervous, to say the least, and the general consensus is that this shit just got real! We've had more lectures this week than the previous two, and the content continues to get heavier. At one point, a fellow classmate commented that he felt like he needed a lifejacket to keep up with the biochemistry... the response from the Professor? "There's going to be a lot of swimming!" At least they're honest...

It's not just that they're expecting a lot from us academically that's overwhelming, it's that there's SO MUCH happening ALL THE TIME! Every day there are dozens of emails announcing projects, clubs, dinners, study sessions, seminars, conferences, appointments, and anything else you could imagine happening in the greater SF area. I've definitely lost the time I had before school to do normal things, like watch TV or floss- and my room constantly looks like a natural disaster clean up zone, but I'm still smiling!

That said, I'm still incredibly excited to be here- tests and all! It's hard to be upset about something you've worked your whole life for. I was one of those "I wanna be a doctor" kids since I can remember, and that helps me when I'm feeling particularly stressed about classes and the schedule overall.  It's a matter of perspective. I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to be here in medical school because, according to some statistics, I shouldn't be here. There were many paths my life could have gone down, and I ended up here anyway. I know that because I had to fight so hard to get here (blood, sweat, tears, and a crapload of cash!), I have a greater understanding of why I deserve to be here and no matter how hard it gets- because it will be impossible at times- I can't lose sight of that.

Rap stars like to remind people of "where they're from," and I find that I can sort of relate to that- partially to keep my street cred (NH!), but mostly because it keeps me grounded- right sized. I may not be Becka from the block (JLo you're a legend) but I will always be Becka- even when I'm Doctor Becka. So, classmates, when you're struggling to keep up and questioning why you ever wanted to come here in the first place -masochism aside- remember what was said the first day in orientation: Remember when you first realized you wanted to be a doctor, and hold on to that. THAT is our lifejacket.

How did I get here?

I told you I moved. What I haven't told you yet is how I got here...

I left Boston with my boyfriend, Tim, on July 19th and drove across the country in my brand new car, Norbert. We planned our (ambitious) route covering 6 days and more than 3,000 miles- stopping at some well known, other more obscure tourist attractions along the way. It was a ridiculous amount of driving and there were times when I was pretty sure I was hallucinating (really- how can there be that many corn and cow fields in 1 state?!)- but it was an amazing experience and I greatly encourage all of you to do it. Right now. Just go!

The days leading up to the trip were probably the hardest. I kept envisioning packing my car with all of my belongings, then getting into some kind of freak accident involving a booze crazed truck driver, winding cliff lined mountain roads, thousands of feather covered chicken cages and, most certainly, a tragic fiery death. Luckily for me (and the chickens) none of these highly unlikely, irrational, neurotic & fantastical situations occurred... and if there were any booze crazed truck drivers, we didn't happen to cross paths.

Our first stop was Niagra Falls.

Tim was reluctant to stop so close to home for fear of seeming like a tourist- but I whined so we went :) Naturally, the falls were gorgeous! It's hard to deny the awesomeness of something so massive, and it's probably safe to say "I told you so" to Tim... but I won't. We managed to take plenty of good pics before the strangers started offering to take them of us together (why is that so awkward?), and we even got some super hott ponchos so we could walk down next to the falls. My favorite part was the squishy sound from the sweet foam sandals they gave us!

The next leg of our trip was less exciting as far as terrain (corn & cows...), but we did happen upon some of the biggest (read: scariest) thunderstorms I've even seen in my life. You could see the rain coming for you... I mean towards you, and that felt pretty cool and we did get some pretty pictures. A quick drive through St. Louis, stop at the Meramac Caverns, and we were well on our way to Texas. I'll spare you the details of Oklahoma. (Cows... oh, and corn).

 I have to say, Texas and New Mexico were pretty great, as far as states are concerned. But my absolute favorite of this trip was Arizona. It was kind of cool watching the landscape change throughout the day, but you can't really put into words how big and overwhelming Arizona terrain can be. It was so vivid and alive with color everywhere and in very different ways. We drove through forests, mountains, and the desert all in one day, stopping at the Petrified National Forest and the Grand Canyon. If you ever want to feel humbled, go to the Grand Canyon. Tim kept telling me to imagine I was riding a horse up the mountain on the way there, like I had wandered off the Oregon trail on my way west or something. (I do have a pretty lame sense of direction... I could have wandered that far!) Just try and picture what it was like to be the first one to see it. I assumed whoever it was would be pretty pissed off...

"Son of a... you've got to be kidding me!! I just rode Gertrude (that's the horse) for 3 days to get up this bitch of a hill! Now I have to go ALLLLL the way around?!"

Anyway- I was in awe, to say the least, and mostly we just sat quietly to soak it all in.

We knew we were close when we passed the first In n' Out Burger and really just wanted to push on. Six days of being in a car will make you excited to get anywhere as long as you were done driving! We set up our tent one last time, this night on the edge of the Mojave desert. With an early start, we made it to route 1 near Atascadero, CA after lunch (at In n' Out, woo!) and drove one of the most beautiful, dangerous, fun roads I've seen. It was slow going, but so worth it. When we finally got to my new home, I was far too exhausted and overwhelmed to really take anything in... but this neighborhood is certainly worth it's very own blog entry! So, with that, I'll leave you with some pics from route 1 and get back to my studies!

Oh hai, Internets.

Do you ever just feel like writing? Or talking? How about singing in the car?

I just feel full to bursting with information, emotions, confusion, and opinions, so blogging seemed the appropriate outlet. Writing isn't a strong skill for me- in fact, most of the time I hate doing it, but it'll work...At least for now!

My back home humans keep asking for updates and this seems an easy way to please both parties. (this works for both of us!)

I just moved to the North Bay in California from Boston and feel like my world was turned upside down (eastside west?). The grocery stores are different, nobody says wicked, I have to drive EVERYWHERE, and it's definitely not warm here. I was duped. I start most sentences with "in Boston..." lately and I'm sure it's getting old. I've been chucked into a new environment and have no idea what to expect. I've been waiting (and working) my whole life to get here, but now I feel sort of like... "Cool. Now what?"

I'm a first year medical student.
I'm psyched.
I'm scared to death.
I'm not sure what I was thinking.
I couldn't be more grateful.

Today we did an exercise with our classmates that got me thinking (I'm sure the professors saw that coming)... I have no effing idea who any of these people are! We've only been here a week, but it definitely feels like I've known my new friends for much longer. We're all trying to figure each other out and it's interesting to see who divulges what about themselves- who trusts whom with any detail about who they were, what they did before coming here, and what they hope to get by being here. We've talked about relationships, strengths and weaknesses, life experiences, favorites, politics, and weather. I've got a lot to learn. We're a strange collection with all varieties of life experiences, and I only hope that makes the group stronger because, like it or not, we're in this (All in, all the time!) for a while. Together. I like that.

That said- I've tended to keep a lot to myself. I'm not trying to be... sketchy... I'm just hesitant, I guess.